Super Bowl 50 | ColdplayEmpty Bottle Evenings

Feb072016February 7, 2016February 7, 2016No Commentby Bake

Super Bowl 50 | Coldplay

Posted in Music

Tonight even if you don’t like football you will probably be watching the Super Bowl. I don’t care who wins, I hate commercials, and I have no money on the line but I’ll be watching too. We have no choice. We’re American. It calls to use in inexplicable ways like fried food and pornography. But one choice you can make easily is to skip the halftime show. Because the band playing is Coldplay.
It’s hard to remember but there was a time where Coldplay wasn’t so universally hated. Well, I guess they’re not universally hated since evenly recently when no one buys albums anymore they still sell millions of them. But no one admits that they like them. I mean every once in awhile you’ll kinda like one of their songs. I admit that I found 2011’s “Paradise” catchy and a little enjoyable. Big deal. You want to fight? But that’s as far as I’m going to go. I am not a Coldplay fan. You are not a Coldplay fan. No matter your race, age, or sex life, a Coldplay fan is some middle aged virgin that is undoubtedly less cool than you.

But again, they weren’t always this detestable. I remember over a decade and a half ago when “Yellow” was a hit, “Don’t Panic” hadn’t yet been a part of Garden State, and Coldplay were more indie rock than the biggest, most annoying band in the world. I wasn’t buying the tour t-shirt or going to see them on tour for that matter, but if someone asked “Do you like Coldplay?” it wasn’t necessarily a joke. You might answer with something like: “They have a few good songs”. That would be acceptable. I even remember hearing their 2nd album and liking a couple songs. How did they go from a decent British pop rock band to an obnoxious U2 wannabe? When did they go from forgettable to inescapable?

This weekend I’ve done the unthinkable: I went back and listened to every song that Coldplay has released so you don’t have to. And yes, they’re not that good. You’re welcome. I wanted to know if the band really sucked outloud or if they suffered from the usual fate of bands you don’t pay attention to, where their worst songs are released as singles. But after listening to all of their albums it’s really not any better. Their best stuff is in the sappy/understated ballad range but when you’ve recorded two dozen of them it get pretty repetitive. As for their more “rocking” songs, its pretty obvious they don’t have that gene in them. At least when U2 put out these lousy pop rock songs they had a decade of decent songs under their belt. Coldplay decided their bland but tolerable slow jams weren’t hopin enough after one or two records so songs like “The Speed of Sound” and “Viva La Vida” were created. And I agree America, they are terrible.

On later albums Coldplay started incorporating electronic and dance into their shitty brand of pop. This was probably a good move for them. They suck at rock and were never going to win over fans of it. But even by the lowered standards of pop music, Coldplay’s newer stuff is pretty bland and disposable. Which in one way makes them great for an event with a mass audience like the Super Bowl. On the other hand, they lack the required energy you would hope for to pump up a crowd. I mean, I’m no huge Bruno Mars fan but that halftime show was a success because it had a pulse. If you watch Coldplay instead of getting up to get another plate of wings you may actually fall asleep and miss the 2nd half.

I think Coldplay had an alternate future where they kept writing indie pop ballads and instead of trying to be U2 settled in a more Shins-esque role. But Chris Martin and whoever the hell the other guys in the band are hated their first album and decided they needed to make more awful pop songs (and a shitload of cash). And then they fell in love with those mediocre songs and continued to one up themselves with even shittier songs. If you haven’t listened to all of Coldplay’s work, do yourself a favor and don’t. I’m someone who prides themselves on giving all bands a chance, regardless of genre or perceived sucktitude, so I didn’t want to overlook this band on the eve of their Super Bowl performance. But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for (wink). The longer their career went the worse that they became. Despite a couple gems along the way, this is the boring pop and whack attempts at rock that you thought it was. It’s not worth looking into any further. Goodbye forever, Coldplay. And go Panthers.