Best of 2013?

You can tell a lot about how old that you’re getting by looking at “Best Of” lists. When I was younger I remember being able to create my own out of the 40 or so albums that I listened to the previous year. Even in recent years I remember at least knowing the albums so I could bitch about the choices that authors picked and more importantly who they snubbed. Now, well, it’s uh, February, and I’m thinking I should check out what I missed in the last 13 months.

If I were to make a list that follows a strict criteria that 1) I listened to it and 2) yeah that’s pretty much it, it would look something like this:

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis- The Heist (Wait that was 2012? Crap, why are we still bitching about him and Kendrick Lamar then?)

The National – Trouble Will Find Me (I actually enjoy this album, even if it puts me to sleep.)

John Mayer- Paradise Valley (No, no, I can’t bring myself to do this… but maybe.)

The Arcade Fire- Reflektor- (Okay, I haven’t actually listened to this all the way through yet, but I’ve heard their other albums and they were okay. Does that count?)

Guns N Roses- Chinese Democracy (This joke is no longer funny. The album actually came out for real in 2008. And it was fucking terrible. Wow 2008.)

Vampire Weekend– Modern Vampires of the City (More on this below.)

I tricked myself into liking Vampire Weekend for about a month this summer. I had tickets to a festival that they were playing at so I listened to all three of their albums for a few weeks. I say tricked because most of their stuff is unintelligible dribble. I’m convinced that if people didn’t know them by name they would enjoy some of their songs as simple but extremely catchy, while dismiss their other songs as pretentious bull crap. So pretty much the same as every indie band. Sure sometimes you’re compelled to sing along, but sometimes this band is so unbelievably grating that you want to find their lead singer and karate chop him in his scarf covered throat. Also, their name is fucking Vampire weekend. What the fuck people?

Kanye West. Every fucking website loves Kanye West. Like hip hop was some mystical music white people couldn’t understand until Kanye came around. He’s the second coming of Eminem, Diddy, Dre, and 2pac, all in one. Don’t forget Nas. And Elvis. Also he thinks he ‘s the 2^nd coming of Jesus. We done yet? I’m not saying he doesn’t make some really good songs but stop giving into the egomaniacal one. He is not the only note worthy hip hop artist, yet punk blogs and rock n roll publications will always ballwash him and make way at the top of their lists for “Yeezus”. Fuck him, everything he touches isn’t gold. Did everyone forget when he realized what auto-tune could do and he made an entire album that sounded like Eiffel 65?

Who else released albums this year? Beck, AFI, Flaming Lips, Jimmy Eat World, yep, they’re all still together. John Fucking Fogarty. Oh, it’s just a compilation, seriously how long can he keep stretching those CCR songs for? Pearl Jam. Oh Pearl Jam. Every few years for the past 2 plus decades they release an album that has a couple decent songs, and that’s it. But really it’s better to have a few good songs on each release that no one listens to, instead of one fully fleshed out masterpiece every 10 years, right? Nope, I didn’t think so either…moving on. Billy Joe Armstrong of Green Day and Norah Jones made an album together… wait, What? Paul McCartney is still making music. George and John are still rolling in their respective graves.

Fall Out Boy made an album that capitalizes on the trend of every band making their pop rock songs even poppier by combining them with rap and electronic music. They titled it Save Rock and Roll.  Save in this case means license your songs to every professional sports league for annoying commercials (Light em up up up)and turn your guitars into a synth and sample mess. Didn’t people learn from the 80s? Does everyone remember Rod Stewart in the 70s? Yeah Rod, we’re think you’re sexy, you can stop now. But who cares how this looks in 20 years, if pop music isn’t pop friendly enough just turn everything into a dance number, and the kids will love it. Dance puppets Dance. Also this album has Courtney Love on it. So I should kill myself for listening to it even once.

Haim was big in 2013. I’ve got nothing against them personally, actually pretty catchy, especially that song that sounds like Michael Jackson made it. It’s just not music that any self respecting male in his late 20s probably feels comfortable listening to alone. This applies to Tegan and Sara’s Heartthrob as well. And clearly mainstream music doesn’t have to please men outside the 18-24 demographic. But I’m not that interested in Queens of the Stone Age anymore, so what  are too-old-to-dance guys supposed to listen to while we’re sucking down whiskeys alone in our recliners? Other than don’t kill myself books on tape. So I still try reach out to see what new mainstream music people are enjoying. And it usually sucks.

It’s seemingly impossible to learn from this mistake that different isn’t always better. In 2007, Of Montreal was one of the “it” bands. Fittingly they sound as if Canadian duo Terrence & Phillip (South Park) made an indie pop album. You can’t imagine how awful it is until you try it. In 2009, Animal Collective were on everyone’s list. This name is also fitting considering that I would rather listen to the collective sounds of animals fucking and fighting than ever listen to that hipster trash again. Another year it was TV on the Radio, I actually liked that album (Return to Cookie Mountain), but I haven’t listen to it since. Let me check it out now….8 years later. I think this year’s everyone won’t be listening to them in a year artist is Daft Punk. People wouldn’t accept them when they were making the rounds on MTV 15 years ago. The fact that this is popular now is not a sign our tastes have improved. Young kids like electronic music now so record companies and publications want to please them. Young people also like skinny jeans, instagramming their dinner, and mustaches. The world is a sad place.

If I’m going to have to make some recommendations for Best Album of 2013 I’ll start with Neko Case The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You. Just skip track 6, it’s too fucking much. Try Lucero’s Texas and Tennessee EP. It only has 4 songs, but they are all solid which is more than you can say about most full lengths. I’m a big fan of Frank Turner’s well, anything, and this includes Tape Deck Heart. Of course, if you haven’t picked up Midwestern Exposure’s The Working Man’s Special, then get on it. Sure I’m biased because Empty Bottle Evening’s own Cam is behind it, but hey it’s a good album, and a lot of people thought it was pretty cool. Or if you’re old like me let’s just go with the The National’s Trouble Will Find Me. We need our full 8 hours of sleep at this age anyway.

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Bake

I'm nothing. Maybe less than nothing. I also write.

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